Sister Princess Saturday Report! No. 13 – The Story So Far
It occurs to me that after 12 rather lengthy chapters that you, Dear Reader, may desire a brief respite from this heavy, dramatic tale. That is fine. But instead of bringing you up to speed on what has occurred thus far — because it truly is a worthless story, if I am being honest — I will recap the story as it would have unfolded were I the supreme being of the universe and had control of such matters. I am the one telling the story, after all, so why should I not have some degree of control? If only I didn’t have these blasted notes to go by . . .
Chapter 1: Wataru flunks out of school because he is an idiot. He is shipped to a secret island for imbeciles and placed into a “special” class. There he happened to stumble upon four annoying young girls who just happened to be his long-lost sisters and who just happened to have a home where they would happen to live for however long it took for Wataru to stop being an idiot. Unbeknownst to Wataru, the four girls were planning to carve him up into a sacrifice or some such business. Then a burglar came out of nowhere and shattered Wataru’s kneecap with a crowbar. A pity.
Chapter 2: The other sisters appear from who knows where. They introduced themselves and had some sort of party where they bathed in the blood of sheep or goats or some such. There was also skateboarding at some point, whereupon Wataru’s toe was run over.
Chapter 3: Wataru attempts to sneak off Promised Island but is of course spotted within .00000000001 seconds by all his Sisters. They let him believe that he has an opportunity to sneak away, though, because the hope draining from his face when he realizes he is caught will be a pleasure to witness. Wataru arrives at the dock and tries to build a boat, but this ends prematurely when Wataru realizes that he is an idiot. He then tries to swim through the ocean; however, a shark swims by and bites his right arm off. Wataru’s sisters take him home, snickering all the while.
Chapter 4: Hinako is a drug addict. Wataru helps her score some drugs, but the withdrawal pains are so intense that she bites into his shoulder. Then she gets drugs and is happy.
Chapter 5: Wataru teaches the sisters how to send text messages. What he doesn’t know, though, is that he has just made it easier for the sisters to communicate with their secret benefactors and go on assassination missions. Also, someone throws a rock at Wataru’s head and knocks out the hearing in his left ear.
Chapter 6: Wataru and the sisters put on a play. Hidden in the play, however, is a message that spurs violence in the community to create a more bloodthirsty atmosphere for the sacrifice to the Sister Princess. Still, the sisters end up losing money during the venture due to their awful security; many people sneak into the play rather than paying at the front. The mob — who funded this play — is most displeased, and they break Wataru’s ribs.
Chapter 7: Wataru and the sisters hold a mock marriage. Through a series of soap opera-style plot twists, it is revealed that Wataru was conceived through the union of human and dog. And it is time to have him neutered.
Chapter 8: Wataru and Marie go for a walk on the beach. Everything unfolds exactly as it did before, except that this time Marie actually bites out a chunk of Wataru’s calf before being subdued by her sisters.
Chapter 9: Wataru actually pays attention to the Old One living in his pool, and staring into the eyes of the Elder God drives Wataru half-insane. He walks around in a stupor with his tongue hanging out, forever drooling.
Chapter 10: I would change nothing about this.
Chapter 11: Wataru and the sisters go for a trip on some sort of above water submarine, and they get attacked by a kraken halfway to wherever they were going. Wataru’s lungs slowly fill with water, and the chapter ends with him hoping someone will save him.
Chapter 12: Nobody does.
Chapter 13: Because Wataru is dead, I no longer have to report on his sad, idiotic story. It is the happiest day of my life.