Ranking the Terribad
51. Project ICE
What is it?: Two years ago, all men died off due to something or other. Only women are left, and they struggle to find a way to repopulate the planet. There is lots of violence and yuri.
What?!: One of the main characters has a voice that sounds like someone is pinching her nose when she speaks.
Akira Ishida: Fulfills his destiny by playing a woman.
Project ICE is bad. So, so bad. I can’t recall the particulars of the story; all that remains in my mind is a deluge of exploding heads, lame betrayals and a queen that is half-human and half-jellyfish. What the fuck. I think ICE is so biological MacGuffin bullshit that people think can help impregnate women, but what it actually does is something I cannot recall (and do not want to recall). That this shitpile got licensed is ludicrous. I guess Sentai Filmworks really is the reincarnation of ADV!
52. Eiken
What is it?: Some stupid fucking high school kid enrolls in a school where every girl he meets has giant fucking god damn titties FUCK THIS SHOW
What?!: MY EYES MY EYES AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *claws them out*
Serious or parody?: When something is this fucking gross, WHO GIVES A SHIT?
There is an argument to be made that Eiken is a parody of high school shows where the main focus is getting an eyeful of teen boobies. Perhaps there is something to that argument: If you want to scare pedophiles off teenage bosoms for life, then show that person Eiken. I can’t look at adult breasts now without suddenly thinking I’m in Vietnam and a sniper has my buddies and I pinned down EXCEPT THE SNIPER HAS GIANT TITTIES OH GOD OH GOD STOP THE PAIN STOP THE PAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
53. Violence Jack
What is it?: Violence Jack is a hulking beast of a man, invariably rising from the Earth during an apocalyptic age to protect the weak and downtrodden against generic Mad Max-style thugs. Oh, and it’s Go Nagai, so there’s lots of rape and distasteful violence toward anyone and everyone.
What?!: During the “Evil Town” OVA, a thug leader eats his transvestite lover and transforms into a demon. I don’t even.
“Evil Town”: One of the most awful viewing experiences I’ve ever had as an anime fan.
I doubted our good friend kadian after watching the first Violence Jack OVA, “Harlem Bomber”. It’s certainly not great, but it’s not god awful, either. It just wants to be a dumb post-apocalyptic story where a dude helps people by ripping bad guys apart. Then I watched “Hell’s Wind” and understood a bit more. It’s pretty much the same, except super boring and with just a bit more damsel in distress (despite making half-hearted pretenses at making her a Strong Woman Who Can Stand Up for Herself) and sexual harassment. Then I watched “Evil Town” and understood completely. There’s not a single enjoyable frame in that OVA. It revels in cruelty toward humanity and exploits rape and graphic violence in the name of empty, soulless entertainment. It’s the sort of “art” you invoke when you make the Voltaire “I disapprove of what you make, but I’ll defend to the death your right to make it” free speech argument. I’ll argue the right of “Evil Town” to exist, but it’s something I actively loathe and do not respect in any way, shape or form. I’d rather watch Apocalypse Zero for the rest of my life than ever see “Evil Town” again.
54. Itsudatte My Santa!
What is it?: Besides utter god damn shit, you mean? Some shithead named Santa is mopey on Christmas Eve because his dumbass parents ditched him and named him Santa, so he’s mocked every Christmas. Then a Santa trainee named Mai comes and promises to cheer him up.
What?!: The first few minutes of the second repeat a gag in the first episode step for step, except this time they’re at a beach.
Ken Akamatsu: If I ever meet him, I will punch him in the balls as hard as I can for this atrocity.
This is the most irritating anime I’ve ever seen. Watching it is akin to having your skin stripped off, and then having a bucket of salt dumped on your body, except instead of salt it’s high-pitched anime girls blathering about idiocy. This anime does more damage to Christmas than any bullshit Bill O’Reilly could ever drudge up. Ken Akamatsu couldn’t have ruined Christmas more if he found the corpse of Jesus Christ and skullfucked it. This is the type of show you make your child watch if you want them to not only not believe in Santa, but also peace, love and happiness. It fills me with a dark hatred I have never felt before, and never wish to feel again.
55. Odin: Photon Space Sailer Starlight
What is it?: A bunch of chucklefucks on a star ship that has a sail find a mysterious girl and embark on a journey to find Space Vikings and Space Valhalla but find Space Fucking Awful Piece of Shit Movie instead.
What?!: ODEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN
Credits sequence: The only good part of the movie by a god damn light year.
I am a believer that fiction needs to be entertaining. Now to some people, “entertainment” is an ugly word, perhaps implying empty, mass market thrills, but I think entertainment can come in many forms. A work of fiction can be entertaining due to plot, characters, action, ideas, philosophy, structure, dialogue, and more and in any combination. Odin is not entertaining in any way, shape or form. It is a black hole of entertainment, so dull, so mind-numbing and so tedious that I ranked it at the bottom despite taking a big, fat dump on Itsudatte My Santa! Joy cannot even be taken in the movie’s greatest strength, its excellent animation, for it is in the service of the drab inner workings of a space ship nobody could possibly care about. Falling asleep while watching MD Geist alone is one thing, but I fell asleep for 10 minutes during a live watch of this, and that was with people yakking in my ear the whole time (and, again, in the middle of the afternoon). The worst sin a piece of fiction can commit, in my mind, is inspire no feeling at all in the viewer, and I felt nothing while watching Odin.
03/01/2012 at 12:27 pm
Holy cow! Five pages of this! Will have to finish reading when I get back from work.
03/01/2012 at 12:56 pm
I BROUGHT THE BIG GUNS FOR THIS, MY FRIEND
03/01/2012 at 12:29 pm
I don’t have the chance to do Terribad much myself either but I do wish you were there more when I do! It is truly the highlight of all anime watching, much as Cosprayers was the highlight of all anime production.
Re: Vampire Wars:
There was one line, when the guy wakes up and swears totally inappropriately but I can’t remember what it was — “WHAT THE ASS??” or something like that that had us rolling. But nothing on par with any of Sleepy’s lines.
03/01/2012 at 12:57 pm
Haha, now that you mention it, I remember something similar to that in the movie. Manga UK was really at the top of its game for that dub.
03/01/2012 at 12:33 pm
Garzey’s Wing is my favorite anime.
But I can see why you’d put Kenya Boy at #1.
I might just fandub Legend of Duo for you.
03/01/2012 at 12:35 pm
and then I noticed five pages. Where’s the Sisters?
03/01/2012 at 12:36 pm
Or Shuffle for that matter?
03/01/2012 at 1:13 pm
I should have explained it better in the intro, but I included only anime that has been watched in the SCCSAV wing that watches such things. I doubt you’ll see Shuffle! or Sister Princess on here, because they’d never touch them, but I assure you they would be at the bottom. Both lower than Odin, I might add.
03/01/2012 at 12:50 pm
Kenya Boy was my first terribad group experience. That somehow makes me very happy; it could have been Apocalypse Zero *shudders*. Still, Garzey’s Wing will always be my champion on this list, if only for the line, “I’m not lying, 12th and 13th century foreigners surround me!”
Also, no Urotsukidoji? Granted, it’s by no means the worst thing here, but it should have some recognition, if only for scaring the shit out of me when I was 15 years old.
03/01/2012 at 12:55 pm
I only included stuff that has been watched in the SCCSAV terribad group.
03/01/2012 at 12:52 pm
The only one I watched was Itsudatte My Santa!, which only got a ~ out of me. Maybe you’d like it more if you watched it dubbed.
03/01/2012 at 12:55 pm
Maybe, but that would also mean watching it again, and I’d rather my penis took an acid bath.
03/01/2012 at 1:10 pm
I watched Itsudatte My Santa twice. I maintain that the first episode isn’t dreadful
03/01/2012 at 12:52 pm
Thanks for a fantastically entertaining read. The dialogue in Angel Cop, your scorn towards the nested plot flashbacks in Legend of Duo, your moeficiation of Dracula – every step of the way is paved with gold.
03/01/2012 at 2:27 pm
Thanks!
03/01/2012 at 1:05 pm
Oh wow. That Prince of Tennis clip. The universe has nothing on Tezuka. I’m glad a newer anime has made it to the top 10. I swear the show is just shamlessly cheesy. It embraces shounen exaggeration like nothing else.
I haven’t seen most of this but I definitely enjoyed Garzey’s Wing, Mars of Destruction and of course, Kenya Boy. I’m not sure what to make of those last minutes of the film. But let me assure you that it was mindblowing. I might have to check out Mad Bull 34 now.
03/01/2012 at 2:28 pm
It was a blast watching that because before then I knew only cursory things about Prince of Tennis. I didn’t expect anything that ridiculous!
03/01/2012 at 1:06 pm
Project ICE though, was mindnumbing boring and bad. I guess it’s licensed due to ties with a certain 48 member idol group…
03/01/2012 at 2:30 pm
I hadn’t really thought of that. Not really sure how popular they are over here, since I don’t follow that scene at all, but I could see that marketing angle being pursued.
03/01/2012 at 1:10 pm
If it wasn’t for shit like this, I wouldn’t give a damn about anime. I’ll take Vampire Wars or California Crisis over Madoka or some Ghibli movie or whatever else any day.
03/01/2012 at 2:41 pm
Many of these do make anime quite a bit more fun.
03/01/2012 at 1:22 pm
Watch the first episode of Charger Girl Juuden-chan. Thank me (read: hunt me down with a spork) later.
03/01/2012 at 2:42 pm
I’ll see what I can do! (Though I really need to get back to putting a dent into my not-terribad anime pile, haha. Too many good shows I’ve been putting off for too long!)
03/01/2012 at 1:28 pm
TENNIS KILLED THE DINOSAURS
03/01/2012 at 1:44 pm
And nuclear missiles brought them back.
03/01/2012 at 3:47 pm
I remember that back in high school, the anime club had a tradition (which they dropped pretty quickly after the seniors left, unfortunately) of watching this OVA called Tattoon Master. I dunno if it’s bad enough to occupy a place on this list, but I remember it being pretty terrible and having a hilariously bad dub as well.
Now at college my friends and I randomly blurt out “I must make sense of my convoluted situation!” I think we’ve got it bad.
(Also, note: randomly came across Vampire Wars in the DVD cabinet of a pretty great hotel on the south side of Jamaica. I was pretty surprised, but unfortunately was unable to watch it because a) didn’t have time and b)I was there with the rest of my family. Still though–space vampires. Envious.)
03/01/2012 at 3:53 pm
I will certainly keep that in mind!
And, wow, that’s kind of awesome, haha. I remember seeing a while back that Vampire Wars was on Netflix Instant — don’t know if it’s still on there, but that might be a way to see it.
03/01/2012 at 4:57 pm
Quick Top 5 Terribad experiences:
5) Mad Bull 34
Spanning two weeks, it was quintessential Terribad. The accents, the misogyny, the bloodspray, the hilarity. That I actually forgot most of the first 3 episodes the first time I saw this is just a testament of how much Mad Bull keeps on topping itself. I’m sure the NYPD has never been more proud.
4) Prince of Tennis
When I first saw this, I knew it was something I wanted to show to other people. When I finally got the chance to show this, I knew Terribad was here to stay.
3) Garzey’s Wing
I’ll never forget the first Terribad. After the first episode, I remember Amelia declared, “Okay, there are no more bad anime.” Dream on, Amelia. Dream on.
2) Kenya Boy
As the keeper of the Terribad Vault, I already had seen roughly half of the shows we’ve watched up to this point, so things rarely surprise me. Kenya Boy blew my fucking mind. The exhilaration of discovery, the sheer joy of sharing the experience with friends; Anime never seemed so vast and full of potential as it did that night.
1) Apocalypse Zero
Simply put, a vivid reminder that, yes, some anime is too bad even for Terribad.
Btw, did you see Shinesman? It was accidentally the sole “good” thing we ever saw.
03/01/2012 at 7:07 pm
Wish I could have been there for the top three, particularly Kenya Boy. I was crushed when my vacation day for that day wasn’t approved.
Haven’t watched Shinesman yet — so you all didn’t skip it? Who knows when I’ll see it … it would certainly be out of place in this group, from the sound of it, haha.
03/01/2012 at 9:40 pm
You’ve seen some shit.
03/02/2012 at 10:30 am
I’ve seen a shit ton of shit!
03/01/2012 at 10:39 pm
You my friend have outdone yourself. Most epic post you’ve ever done, I will enjoy this post for a long time.
It really make me sad though that I never get to join you guys for this sh*t. It sounds like a lot of fun.
03/02/2012 at 10:31 am
The best part is that I will continue updating it as I watch what the terribad folks watch!
03/03/2012 at 9:48 am
Brilliant post! I salute you for watching so much of this on your own!
Seeing it all listed out like this makes me truly appreciate how much crap we’ve watched in that group – and I wouldn’t change it for the world, some things just require group support to sit through (and without Terribad I’d have never watched some of my awesome Manga Ent. DVDs!)
Memorable events for me have to be Legend of Duo (first Terribad session I ever joined), Kenya Boy (blew me away with how utterly inexplicable it was), Mad Bull 34 (just wow – that dub!), Love, Love? (half the group ragequit midway – new rule, no more paedobait) and the 2nd Garzy’s Wing watch (I was actually crying with laughter during that 1st episode – could not breathe, god love the group’s ears from my cackling).
03/04/2012 at 7:18 am
Yeah, the thing that really struck me while writing this is the sheer amount of garbage we’ve seen. I counted everything out beforehand, and there still ended up being more than I expected. It’s kind of ridiculous.
03/04/2012 at 12:13 pm
Awesome to see Kenya Boy is #1. I am so glad I decided to type Africa Anime into a search, just to see what would come up.
03/04/2012 at 2:00 pm
Indeed! I am very glad that you reviewed Kenya Boy, and that Kylaran pushed me to see Kenya Boy after reading your review and watching it. Whenever people ask where I found it, I make sure to credit you!
03/04/2012 at 4:12 pm
Oh you don’t have to do that! I just think it’s hilarious how far it’s spreading.
05/21/2012 at 7:23 pm
I think you’re missing Idol Fight Suchie-Pai 2 (there is no 1).
05/21/2012 at 7:29 pm
And Golden Wings, but you’d probably like to see LotGH proper first before tarnishing your image of it.
05/21/2012 at 7:42 pm
Oh yeah, that’s right. Totally forgot about that. Yeah, I think I’ll leave that off until I finally (someday) finish LoGH.
05/21/2012 at 7:41 pm
I’ll make sure it ends up on the next batch of crap with which I update this post.
06/07/2012 at 6:45 pm
Hanappe Bazooka is a Nagai/Koike joint. Koike as in Lone Wolf and Cub and Mad Bull, Kazuo Koike. It’s something that Go Nagai actually hated when it was finished because it depicted rape in anything but a bad light.
Just letting you know.
06/07/2012 at 6:49 pm
I actually learned that a bit after first publishing this post but have been too lazy to correct it. But thank you all the same!
06/30/2012 at 2:21 pm
About to watch Violence Jack, I hope it lives up to your explanation.