Ranking the Terribad
51. Project ICE
What is it?: Two years ago, all men died off due to something or other. Only women are left, and they struggle to find a way to repopulate the planet. There is lots of violence and yuri.
What?!: One of the main characters has a voice that sounds like someone is pinching her nose when she speaks.
Akira Ishida: Fulfills his destiny by playing a woman.
Project ICE is bad. So, so bad. I can’t recall the particulars of the story; all that remains in my mind is a deluge of exploding heads, lame betrayals and a queen that is half-human and half-jellyfish. What the fuck. I think ICE is so biological MacGuffin bullshit that people think can help impregnate women, but what it actually does is something I cannot recall (and do not want to recall). That this shitpile got licensed is ludicrous. I guess Sentai Filmworks really is the reincarnation of ADV!
What is it?: Some stupid fucking high school kid enrolls in a school where every girl he meets has giant fucking god damn titties FUCK THIS SHOW
What?!: MY EYES MY EYES AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *claws them out*
Serious or parody?: When something is this fucking gross, WHO GIVES A SHIT?
There is an argument to be made that Eiken is a parody of high school shows where the main focus is getting an eyeful of teen boobies. Perhaps there is something to that argument: If you want to scare pedophiles off teenage bosoms for life, then show that person Eiken. I can’t look at adult breasts now without suddenly thinking I’m in Vietnam and a sniper has my buddies and I pinned down EXCEPT THE SNIPER HAS GIANT TITTIES OH GOD OH GOD STOP THE PAIN STOP THE PAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
53. Violence Jack
What is it?: Violence Jack is a hulking beast of a man, invariably rising from the Earth during an apocalyptic age to protect the weak and downtrodden against generic Mad Max-style thugs. Oh, and it’s Go Nagai, so there’s lots of rape and distasteful violence toward anyone and everyone.
What?!: During the “Evil Town” OVA, a thug leader eats his transvestite lover and transforms into a demon. I don’t even.
“Evil Town”: One of the most awful viewing experiences I’ve ever had as an anime fan.
I doubted our good friend kadian after watching the first Violence Jack OVA, “Harlem Bomber”. It’s certainly not great, but it’s not god awful, either. It just wants to be a dumb post-apocalyptic story where a dude helps people by ripping bad guys apart. Then I watched “Hell’s Wind” and understood a bit more. It’s pretty much the same, except super boring and with just a bit more damsel in distress (despite making half-hearted pretenses at making her a Strong Woman Who Can Stand Up for Herself) and sexual harassment. Then I watched “Evil Town” and understood completely. There’s not a single enjoyable frame in that OVA. It revels in cruelty toward humanity and exploits rape and graphic violence in the name of empty, soulless entertainment. It’s the sort of “art” you invoke when you make the Voltaire “I disapprove of what you make, but I’ll defend to the death your right to make it” free speech argument. I’ll argue the right of “Evil Town” to exist, but it’s something I actively loathe and do not respect in any way, shape or form. I’d rather watch Apocalypse Zero for the rest of my life than ever see “Evil Town” again.
54. Itsudatte My Santa!
What is it?: Besides utter god damn shit, you mean? Some shithead named Santa is mopey on Christmas Eve because his dumbass parents ditched him and named him Santa, so he’s mocked every Christmas. Then a Santa trainee named Mai comes and promises to cheer him up.
What?!: The first few minutes of the second repeat a gag in the first episode step for step, except this time they’re at a beach.
Ken Akamatsu: If I ever meet him, I will punch him in the balls as hard as I can for this atrocity.
This is the most irritating anime I’ve ever seen. Watching it is akin to having your skin stripped off, and then having a bucket of salt dumped on your body, except instead of salt it’s high-pitched anime girls blathering about idiocy. This anime does more damage to Christmas than any bullshit Bill O’Reilly could ever drudge up. Ken Akamatsu couldn’t have ruined Christmas more if he found the corpse of Jesus Christ and skullfucked it. This is the type of show you make your child watch if you want them to not only not believe in Santa, but also peace, love and happiness. It fills me with a dark hatred I have never felt before, and never wish to feel again.
55. Odin: Photon Space Sailer Starlight
What is it?: A bunch of chucklefucks on a star ship that has a sail find a mysterious girl and embark on a journey to find Space Vikings and Space Valhalla but find Space Fucking Awful Piece of Shit Movie instead.
Credits sequence: The only good part of the movie by a god damn light year.
I am a believer that fiction needs to be entertaining. Now to some people, “entertainment” is an ugly word, perhaps implying empty, mass market thrills, but I think entertainment can come in many forms. A work of fiction can be entertaining due to plot, characters, action, ideas, philosophy, structure, dialogue, and more and in any combination. Odin is not entertaining in any way, shape or form. It is a black hole of entertainment, so dull, so mind-numbing and so tedious that I ranked it at the bottom despite taking a big, fat dump on Itsudatte My Santa! Joy cannot even be taken in the movie’s greatest strength, its excellent animation, for it is in the service of the drab inner workings of a space ship nobody could possibly care about. Falling asleep while watching MD Geist alone is one thing, but I fell asleep for 10 minutes during a live watch of this, and that was with people yakking in my ear the whole time (and, again, in the middle of the afternoon). The worst sin a piece of fiction can commit, in my mind, is inspire no feeling at all in the viewer, and I felt nothing while watching Odin.